When I meet with someone for the first time, I want to hear their story. They can tell me whatever they want – about their kids, their childhood, their abusive spouse. This is their story. I have lost count of how many times people sit down and start by saying, “You should probably know, he (or she) is a narcissist.”
Most often the narcissist has been diagnosed by my client’s online search or their counselor based on years of observation by my client. Most narcissists are undiagnosed so, while it is entirely possible, there is no scientific fact to show that many people going through divorce are narcissistic. However, common traits of narcissists can include feeling superior, not caring about other people’s feelings, having a sense of entitlement, lacking empathy and demanding or craving approval from others.
Navigating Divorce With A Narcissist
Trying to go through a divorce, which is already a difficult process, with a narcissist on the other side, is a lot more difficult. The key is planning. Whether diagnosed with narcissism or not, make sure you have a counselor in place and have tools to deal with the manipulation that you will no doubt be faced with during the process. The narcissist goal in a divorce is manipulate and win. Because there are winners in a divorce, talk with your attorney about what your goals are before the process begins. Some financials goals may be foregone conclusions such as equity in the house, division or retirement or, believe it or now, even spousal support, things a narcissist may not think you are entitled to. Fortunately, the law and the courts do not operate according to the narcissist mentality.
Protecting The Children
The biggest concern of most parents is the kids and narcissists know that. So long as the narcissist is not a bad parent, courts will not likely terminate parenting rights of either parent. There needs to be more – abuse, illicit drug use, abandonment – something that is detrimental to the children. While it is hard to not want your children spending time with person you have learned is narcissist and you have learned to get away from, the children will still get parenting time with that parent. However, document any issues you have with the narcissist, including parenting communication and just communication between the two of you.
Importance Of Documentation
Documentation is important throughout this process, both gathering information and communication with the other parent. While the narcissist may want to communicate with you verbally, insist on written communication so you can document those exchanges. Other documentation that is important to gather is financial documentation. If the narcissistic spouse has been in charge of the finances throughout the marriage, gather as much financial information as possible before speaking with an attorney and certainly before announcing your intention to your spouse.
Lastly, maintain these guidelines throughout the process and beyond. By limiting your communication with your narcissistic spouse, you are limiting the amount of space he/she takes up in your head. The less headspace they are allowed, the better and the better your mental health will be. Focus on your goals, your mental and physical health and your kids and most of all, just moving forward.